Now and Then
my thoughts.
Today was the day I finally opened the letter I had written to myself ten years ago. I am not gonna lie, I cheated, I cheated and read it two times before today. I don’t know what to call those moments anymore. Stuck between living in the moment and reminiscing the past. Every second, I confuse myself with what I am doing Am I living it right? Am I doing okay?
I always wish life has some manual or guide that you could look up when you are confused or better yet lead your life with. I don’t normally feel this way but in those moments, those rare moments I question every moment of my life, I question every principle I live by. Sometimes I wonder how right is it that I force myself to be okay. Thank God I have the gift of forgetting unnecessary and bad encounters or forgiving should I say. I always pray that I don’t lose it.
There are also moments in my life where I feel like an old soul in which I try to remember every detail of my past. I hold on to it for dear life begging it to not slip off. I feel like I lived a thousand lives before and I am just participating in another one. I could never tell. I go back in memory lane more than I am supposed to. “Holding on” I call it. I also seem to have a thinking that some bad thing that happened in my life will happen again before it left for good.
When I was a child I used to think that I was just living in another beings dream, that I am not a real being and sometimes I seem to have the ability to detach myself from my body. Is that normal? It is not. But who drew the line between what is normal and what is not? What is normal for one person may not be for the other so I also call this my gift.
Sometimes I wonder why I doubt myself about fidelity when I have never been in a relationship. Perhaps it is because it breaks me every time I hear or read stories of other unfaithful people. Do you also question yourself that maybe you could also fall in to the trap? Have you also wondered how you could start a relationship if you don’t trust yourself?
There were times that made me want to quit, times that made me wish I was never born, times I questioned myself what in the world I was doing, what kind of person I have become. So it was a much needed motivation. It made me think one thing though I know past me may or may not be proud of now me but I am very much proud of past me.
Looking back to the letter, it amazes me how 16 year old me really knew what my limits and problems would be. The letter reads:
Dear me
I hope you made it ten years now and not just opened it earlier but that’s okay every now and then you may need a motivation but if you really waited 10 years then I am so proud of you.
I just want to ask you some questions. Did my values change? I know change is inevitable but would I be disappointed? Have I become the person that I wanted to be? Am I married yet? It’s okay if you are not married by the way, marriage is not the goal. Did I figure out what I was meant to be? Because you know how much confused I am right know. If you are married, do you have a child or maybe children? Oh! Did you open the foster home I always dreamed about? Do you live close to Shal? Is she married too? What about Hanu does she live in Ethiopia as she wished? Did you go to Italy? Are you happy, content?
It is okay if you have not accomplished anything yet but you better be on good terms with God. That is not something I will forgive. Do not disappoint me. Did you pray today? Did you study your bible? Would God be proud of the person you are? Do you share the gospel? Is your fire still there? If not, you should take a moment and remember Calvary or even start again if you have to. Remember there is no sacrifice without a fire and there is no remission without shedding of blood for almost all things are by the law purged with blood.
I read something last week and maybe it would be a good reminder for you. It says “Do nothing that you would not want God to see. Say nothing you would not like God to hear. Write nothing you would not like God to read. Go to no place where you would not like God to find you. Read no book of which you would not like God to say “show it to me”. Never waste your time in such a way that you would not like to have God say “what are you doing?””
Lastly but not certainly the least; be the kind of friend you want others to be for you. Be the sister you always wished you had. Be the mom you wished everybody has. Don’t forget to make your parents proud.
And the only thing I could tell to past me would be “I am trying”.
