I’m going to cut my hair

My hair has been in braids for three weeks now. I have had blissful weeks of sleeping and waking up with zero effort put into my hair. Well...except for the first night I spent laying wet towels on my head, spiraling about whether Senait (the braider) had a secret vendetta against me in a past life and resurrected now to take revenge ON MY SCALP.

The braids are starting to lock now, and I should probably take them down. I think to myself I can handle my natural hair now. I go straight to cutting my braids, hesitating, trying to guess where my real hair begins so I don’t snip it off. I finally cut it and unravel down one braid realizing that I wasn’t even close to my actual hair. I’ve gotten braids almost half of my life, yet this happens quite often.

Here’s the thing, I’ve always lived life so carefully that I don’t make mistakes, like oh well… ending up with a shorter hair I guess. But the problem isn’t having a trimmed hair or the lack of hair on my head. It’s the nonexistent audience that’s always in my head watching, judging or whispering whenever I do something that feels slightly radical. YES…cutting hair isn’t a radical act for a lot of people, however something as small as a tiny shift feels like I’m going off script. And that’s daunting.

It’s always been this lingering thought in the back of my head, which has been present for my short lived existence on this earth. THERE IS ALWAYS AN AUDIENCE.  Where did this come from? Maybe watching the Truman show way too young has a huge part to blame. Maybe having a mother that overanalyzes every inch of you and never misses a moment to give her opinion on the way you breathe has a part in it. Either way the idea stuck.

Here I am in my twenties now a full time performer, high achiever, perfectionist, a mirror ball spinning endlessly, trying to please and reflect everyone else’s wants except mine. And anything short of praise makes me want to go off the face of this earth.

Being a high achiever has given me a fair share of validation throughout my life. I haven’t had much luck however with the “I’m a perfectionist” answer in job interviews as a response to “what’s your weakness?” My answer I guess lands as a typical recitation of “how to nail your interview” blogs. But that’s the truth.

So I’m searching for small ways to slowly rebel against my norms. The norms I’ve trapped myself in, built with imagination of an audience. And I’m starting at the top of my head.

I am going to cut my hair!