Capital loss

Everything feels complicated even normal hi’s and hello’s….. And friendship….

The last time I made a genuine friendship was in grade six and we still are friends to this day. After that I do not know what happened perhaps it might be growth, responsibilities, or just life doing what life does. I have met people here and there, shared moments, spent time but none of those connections passed a certain stage. They just… stop.

I crave connections and I feel things deeply. I rather sit with someone for hours listening to every detail of the happiest day of their life or the saddest. I want those kind of friendship where silence doesn't feel awkward, where nothing is too silly or too deep to share. But sadly the more I long for it, the further it drifts away.

Now I am in my twenties, I often find myself around people who already have their solid circle, their day-ones, their ride to dies. And I achingly feel like I missed the boat. I wonder if I will ever find my forever kind of people. But like a rain on a day you thought would stay dry I meet someone new, we connect… They get to know me and something happens.

There is a quote I read recently that stuck with me: “ Does knowing me lead to loving me less?” 

And it made me reflect of a lot of things

I see a lot of people romanticize mystery the thrill of not fully knowing someone. But for me, knowing excits me not mystery. I find peace in clarity. There is this deep intimacy about someone trusting me enough to take their masks off and be their genuine self. The more I get to know their fears, weird routines the more human they become and the more I want to stay. To understand someone deeply is a gift and to be understood deeply is rare. 

Is being seen as who we are that uncomfortable?

There was a girl I used to walk home with every day after class we haven’t spoken in years. And a guy I met during my internship who made me laugh until I cried. both felt real but neither stayed. The dynamic were different but the ache was the same. 

You don't notice how deep the bond has become until it starts to fade away. One day we are texting about the most random things and the next we are hesitant to say “hey”. That quiet fade is something I still can't fully understand. How it goes from everything to nothing. From being someone’s safe space to being met in silence. 

It might sound strange but I still care. There will always be a space in my heart for the people I lost through time. But I am scared to reach out. Scared of being the only one who remembers what we had, scared of being met with politeness instead of familiarity. We as a society don't talk enough about one sided friendship and how it mirrors unrequited love. 

Everyone talks about the grief that comes with the loss of romantic breakups, family wounds, situationships but what about friendships? 

I have learned when someone truly values you, they make room for you in their hearts. They stay when things are inconvenient because friendship was never about convenience. Maybe I expect too much but  is it too much to want to feel chosen?

When we care about someone and we want them in our lives, we don't leave them guessing. We remember the little things, we reach out even if we don't have anything to say. We make space.

It is never about having time, it is always about making time. It is choosing the people you want to keep in your life again and again, consistently. When presence becomes absence with out a word of explanation. What is left is grief. A quiet mourning for someone who is still alive. 

And that kind of loss, when you have given someone a peice of your heart, your trust, your real laughter, your silly jokes.… it does not feel small

It is a Capital loss.