Shades of Grey

Art for me is vulnerability. Relatability. I love looking at the psychological battles people go through. Cause that seems real. That makes me feel connected with the human race. There’s a deeper emotion we all feel. And there are defenses that we put to deal with that cause somewhere along the way, that was too hard to handle. I like seeing the constant cycle. As much as it hurts, it feels real. Breaking free from that cycle doesn’t seem real. It seems idealistic.

When Rustin Cole mentioned time being circular, maybe it could be seen like this as well. He meant that everyone goes through these cycles. From a young age, they build this cycle and they spend their whole life experiencing it, only difference being in the intensity through out the years.

I don’t know if it applies for everyone though. I honestly wonder how people live without going through this. But I also see that. It’s almost like their internal cycle that they’re trapped in is almost non existent and it manifests itself on the outside. Through “real” things. External things.

It might be a spectrum. On one side, you’re so engulfed in your inner cycle that you can’t truly feel what’s external. And on the other side, there’s nothing to deal with on the inside so you deal with the outside, cause we need chaos after all. But even if it was like this, the opposite ends of the spectrum don’t seem balanced.

I wish so much to have been closer to the other end of the spectrum. But maybe, that wouldn’t change things. Maybe there’s a max suffering and it’s just allocated to different parts according to the spectrum. So wherever we are, we still feel it to a maximum.

As I’m writing this though, I don’t believe it one bit. Because the worst part of this end of the spectrum, is that there is no way of leaving it. It’s not external to you, it’s is YOU.

I wonder if there’s a part of me that wants to believe that there is no way to break this cycle. Because the process of trying to break it, is the most difficult endeavor that you can take. It’s not all black and white. We just go through shades of grey. And that’s the toughest part, it’s hard to distinguish between shades of grey cause it is so subtle. That loss of hope you get from not noticing the change of shade will make the difference more subtle. That’s another cycle as well. And that becomes fucking life. Going through shades of grey, sometimes a bit lighter, sometimes a bit darker, but in the end, we never seem to achieve the black and white.

We live in the GREY.

I wish I could add more BLUE.