A life with out you, but her

Hey,  so I know you will never get the chance to read this letter. But I have wanted to write you this letter since last year, the day I started questioning my love for her. Don't worry I am okay. I am alive and I am getting married soon, running to have my own family. I am doing all the things you, or may be us, haven’t get the chance to do so. I am doing everything we have planned, just with out you. When ever I remember what we have talked about, remember what we have pictured for us, I smile a little. And many days I cried, you know while no one is watching even her.

It feels like many years ago, I keep forgetting it was just before two years. Days and years are shorter with me but our meeting feels like ages. I remember, our last meeting was the first  day I met her. I was happy I thought I would live 'the life' with her. I was cool, calm, collected, a man with certain preferences. I accepted your slow disappearance. I thought it was just the course of life. Eventually everything was destined to be replaced, even you. I kept my walk, little did I know how lost I was going to be. I blame you for that. You gave me the wrong idea about love, women, and marriage. I took your words as my guide. I wish I kept you instead of your words. You never told me how people change, how love was such a painful experience, how marriage was a confusing union. I wonder if you weren't aware about it too.

After I got engaged with her, I got to know her other versions. I saw all the red flags you hated. I fought, I tried to change them but it was just too late. I couldn't change the design of my house after finishing the frame work, too expensive to go back or was I just in love. I saw her flaws, her scars, and struggled with them. I even told others how much I detested what I found. I told her If she doesn't change, the rings were just jewels. 

Love made me weak. My words and actions started walking separately. After she drove me crazy, I saw myself hugging her. Right at that moment I remember you. What would you say if you saw me then? It was never what I promised you. I imagined your face, a mix of disappointment and rage, hearing your voice urging me to stop, to save myself from this path. Yet I love her, I am getting married with her. So I will write you the 3 things I love about her, just to let you sleep peacefully.

1) I feel like she's falling out of love with me or maybe she knows I love her so much, I’ll never leave. She knows I am not going anywhere. She doesn't care about how I feel any more. But let me tell you, it is just she is comfortable with me. It is okay right? So I love how comfortable she is about our love or maybe my love for her. She is taking me for granted but who gets valued all the time. Trust me that was just our dream, to be loved and cherished until our last breath.

2) I hate the way she keeps doing everything in her way. She stopped being considerate of my choices. It started being about her, her work, her family, her plan. My emotions turned invisible. I hate the way I am losing my voices. But you know love and hate are the faces of a coin. The more I hate her actions I know I am in love with her. Or maybe I am confused. All I know is how I love her even in the middle of these.

3) I know I lost the power dynamics of our relationship. I keep sacrificing my everything, even you. But she always acts like they were nothing. She makes me feel like I still need to do more. She is never satisfied.  I’ve given so much of myself to her, lost pieces of who I was along the way, but perhaps that’s what love demands. This must be how I show the depth of my affection.

I know you wouldn't like my letter. Now that I wrote it I can see how you are going to hate my words. I can see how I accepted everything we hated back then. But what can I say, all I can say is I love her. Maybe, if I’m lucky, she’ll change after we marry. I can already hear you telling me I’ve become captive to my choices, my life a reflection of the cage I’ve built. Believe me I know how terrible all these are, but then again I just love her.