Submerged

When I was practicing medicine, I gave people drugs. I would give drugs and I would tell them the side effects. possible side effects, I used to say. you might have a metallic taste in your mouth. You might have a headache. You might have diarrhea.I had never taken these medications. We never studied the intensity of the drugs.I am telling you this after like 6 months since it happened.

But I was taking estrogen & progesterone pills. They are usually called oral contraceptive pills. I was taking them for my PCOS because they would regulate my hormones. After I took them for 2 months, I started getting really sad. I don’t have any other word to call it other than that. I normally am a morning person (the kind of morning person who would sing in the morning; who gets most of their work done in the morning. the kind who would make breakfast and coffee singing) but I would wake up and just start crying. I couldn’t leave my bed.I remember this one time, I came home early cause I wanted to spend some time alone. I cancelled plans cause that is what I used to do. I would do these things once in a while just to get a little bit of time for myself.

I didn’t do anything that night. I just cried. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t do anything. I just sat down and cried all night. I felt all the loneliness in the world. I understood what people meant by feeling lonely. At that point, I would invite anyone inside and make them tea. If a serial killer came, I would have them for a bit of conversation over a cup of tea. I wished for anyone literally anyone to come to my door.It was so dark and quiet.

My friend who also took the pills was the one who figured it out. She said, ‘Girl it might be the pills’ after she consoled me one of my morning cries.

I was flabberghasted. Of course it is.

I stood up and took out the pill I was taking. I got my monthly pill for 19,000 FRW. (This is approximately equivalent to 19 USD or 1900 ETB). I took out the package insert. it was huge, like a magazine.

It had a list of multiple side effects. Multiple. Multiple.And depression and mood disorders were part of it, of course.

I don’t know why I am telling you this. It just feels like I should.I think it is one of my transitional pivotal moments.Like graduating from medical school. Or moving.I remember telling my friend I felt like Jonah. How he was in the whale’s stomach and deep in the ocean. I felt like I was in the dark. Forgotten.

Although the feelings were because of the drug, they were as true as it gets.It made me understand how the world feels really lonely sometimes. it changed something in me cause I went through those days.I thought I share it.

I don’t think I have properly thanked my friends who helped me then. I know they will read this and they know themselves.

Thank you.

Your voices seemed distant to me in my misery; like I was submerged in the water and you are above. But they still meant a lot.

Yeah.